Pick your Tropical Paradise

The idea of living in a tropical paradise sounds pretty fantastic. Imagine warm weather and white beaches with beautiful bikini bodies bringing you trays of shellfish and colourful cocktails, while a couple of guys play a steel drum under a coconut tree.It sounds almost too good to be true. So we decided to conduct some serious research to pin down the ins and out of living in paradise – particularly of the tropical island variety. Two days and nine DVDs later it is clear that there is far more to living in paradise than we first believed. Here is a summary of our findings.

First of all, the research shows that picking the right companions with whom to share your idyllic bliss is very important. While some may be very good at collecting mussels and crabs, chopping bamboo poles and giving massages, others are far more likely to gossip behind your back, steal your luxury items and vote you off at tribal council. The solution to the latter is to apply your skills of charming social deception and win all the challenges.

Of course some challenges are nearly impossible, like making your way across the island while being hunted by a team of velociraptors and a T-Rex with a knack for appearing at the most awkward moments. In which case, the research suggests, you should fight every impulse to run and pretend to be a tree or a primate-shaped rock, which seems to make these creatures temporarily blind. But even if your clever subterfuge is successful your only real hope of long-term survival is getting off the island altogether.

How you get onto your island is also very important. Neither arrival by shipwreck nor plane wreck appears to offer a very positive paradise experience. These delivery methods usually ensure that your island mates are a fairly disgruntled and unpleasant bunch. And you may spend a lot of time feeling Lost and fighting over salvaged items. But you can help to build a brand new society by offering your skills as leader, or charming them with your good looks and sexy island beard.

It would also be very useful if you can get your hands on a map of the island. Generally the maps associated with tropical islands are rather special.  In particular you should pay attention to any regions marked ‘X’. Excavations of these sites generally deliver two things: the possibility of never having to work again and an adventurous run-in with some rough-looking sharp-cutlassed individuals whose vocabulary is limited to the syllable, ‘Argh’. Their bulging muscles and general rugged worldliness may fool you into thinking they will be useful friends to have as you build your campsite. But the best advice is to steer clear of them.Voting them off when they get out of hand will simply not be an option. You may have to give up your newfound wealth simply to get rid of them.

It might seem that your best option is to enjoy paradise all by yourself. If you are planning an extended solitary stay, the research shows that having some basic survival skills, like creating a best friend out of a volleyball, will really come in handy.

What we can definitely recommend is landing with the plane intact on a section of the island populated by technologically advanced locals, who will escort you to air conditioned five-star establishments, feed you delicacies and serve you colourful alcoholic beverages on the beach. Just make sure that local customs do not require you to be sacrificed to the island volcano in exchange for these services.

If all goes well, you should be able to find romance with a cute wise-cracking bar tender and have at least one romantic evening next to an idyllic waterfall before he cheats on you with another customer.

But to be honest, after all of this, we have concluded that there is a much better way to to get lucky and enjoy the tropical atmosphere. The risks involved are far more manageable and potentially a lot more fun and there are also no hysterical friends or prehistorical monsters to deal with. 

So go and make yourself a cocktail, put on your cheesy Hawaiian shirt and play our fabulous new game, Tropical Paradise! With a line of drinks you can get a free spin (level 1) and another opportunity to win, win, win! And this time you may even keep your treasure.